


Gandalf and The No Good, Very Bad, Horrible Group Chat

by TooManyGaysTooLittleTime



Category: The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Chatting & Messaging, Everyone Is Gay, I Don't Even Know, Multi, Texting, chatfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:15:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24595879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TooManyGaysTooLittleTime/pseuds/TooManyGaysTooLittleTime
Summary: Gandalf makes a chat. It’s gay.
Relationships: Aragorn | Estel/Boromir (Son of Denethor II), Arwen Undómiel/Éowyn, Frodo Baggins/Sam Gamgee, Gimli (Son of Glóin)/Legolas Greenleaf, Éomer Éadig/Faramir (Son of Denethor II)
Comments: 39
Kudos: 123





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i thought the lotr fandom needed a group chat and then i thought I’d make the content i wanted to see in the world
> 
> this is based on my friends who are chaotic assholes and i think that comes through very clearly
> 
> lots of swearing, very bad jokes and sexual references ahead
> 
> i know hardly anything about tolkien
> 
> enjoy

**Gandalf** has created a chat!

 **Gandalf** added **Frodo Baggins, Samwise Gamgee, Pippin Took, Merry Brandybuck, Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas** and **Gimli** to the chat!

 **Gandalf** named the chat “The Fellowship” 

**Frodo Baggins:** Hey, quick question. wtf 

**Gandalf:** Have you never heard of the Ways of the Group Chats before?

 **Merry Brandybuck:** lmao another thing i can make chaos on ;) 

**Aragorn:** Excuse me what 

**Boromir:** Five messages in, and already two people are confused and Merry is thinking of a new prank. Why do I even hang around with you lot. 

**Pippin Took:** you love us ;)

 **Samwise Gamgee:** Does anyone have potatoes

 **Merry Brandybuck:** I have potatoes. 

**Pippin Took:** Yeah!! from Rosie’s kitchen!!!!!

 **Merry Brandybuck:** PIPPIN YOU IDIOT

 **Merry Brandybuck:** YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO TELL 

**Pippin Took:** Oops

 **Merry Brandybuck** has changed **Pippin Took** ’s name to **idiot**

 **Pippin Took** has changed **Merry Brandybuck** ’s name to **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too**

 **Gandalf:** Fool of a Took! Now everyone can see how to change their names 

**Frodo Baggins:** Wait how did you do that

 **Boromir:** pippin and merry are just on another level 

_(Liked by_ **Aragorn** _)_

 **Samwise Gamgee:** I don’t like youanymoreMerry and Pippin

 **idiot:** ur just mad bcus you wanna screw rosie 

**If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** lmao stay mad

 **idiot** has changed Samwise Gamgee’s name to **Wants to screw Rosie**

 **Wants to screw Rosie:** IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!

 **Wants to screw Rosie:** I JUST WANT MY POTATOES

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** Oh

 **idiot:** Oh

 **Frodo Baggins:** you’re all idiots i’m leaving

 **Wants to screw Rosie:** noooo come back :,( 

**Frodo Baggins:** oh, sam. i was just going to get some more paper.

 **Wants to screw Rosie** has changed their name to **Sam**

 **Aragorn:** What is up with you lot 

**Boromir:** Honestly? I have no idea. 

**idiot:** are we not going to talk about the fact that gandalf sent 1 message then disappeared

 **Gimli:** No

 **Legolas:** Oh hi gimli 

**Legolas:** And everyone else I guess

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** tell me you haven’t backread

 **Gimli:** I backread. 

**idiot:** FUCK

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** Is that a request or an order ;)

 **Aragorn:** How do the tiny people manage to be dirtier than we are??

 **Boromir:** Rule 1, Aragorn: we never call them tiny people. 

**Boromir:** ~~Even if they really are tiny like Frodo barely comes up to my hip~~

 **Sam:** Guys this is important!!

 **Frodo Baggins:** EVERYONE LISTEN UP!!

 **Sam:** Okay so who has my grill pan

 **Sam:** I’m not mad I just want to talk

 **Legolas:** threatening...

 **idiot:** Why would you think any of us did it

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** Yeah like anyone of us would ever do something like that!

 **Boromir:** YOU TWO LITERALLY MANAGED TO STEAL THE TROPHY FROM RIGHT UNDER THE NOSE OF THE MAYOR

 **Aragorn:** there is nothing they can’t do if you forbid them to do it

 **Frodo Baggins:** Pippin and Merry! Give Sam his grill pan back!!!

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** lmao grammar scary

 **Frodo Baggins:** I do not want to write in all capital letters but I will!

 **idiot:** nerd 

**Boromir:** Actually, ‘nerd’ is no longer an insult due to the community’s reclamation of it after years of it being a pejorative insult. 

**idiot:** nerd

 **Boromir:** stfu 

**If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** think we all need new names

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too** has changed **Frodo Baggins** ’ name to **Baggies**

 **idiot:** im going to help 

**Aragorn:** Oh no...

 **idiot** has changed **Boromir** ’s name to **clown**

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too** has changed **clown** ’s name to **stick**

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too** has changed **Sam** ’s name to **Scary gardener**

 **idiot** has changed **Aragorn** ’s name to **horsey girl**

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too** has changed **Gimli** ’s name to **short king**

 **idiot** has changed **Legolas** ’s name to **Is he born with it or is it just Maybelline**

 **stick:** This name implies I am straight, which I am not in any way. 

**Scary gardener go potato:** Merry! Pippin! Why do you think I’m scary! I’m sad :,(

 **horsey girl:**...

 **horsey girl:** The sad thing is I can’t even argue with this name

 **short king:** Don’t see why everyone’s complaining about their names. I like my name!

 **Is he born with it or is it just Maybelline:** I HAVE NEVER USED MAYBELLINE ONCE IN MY LIFE!!

 **Is he born with it or is it just Maybelline:** I USE M.A.C LIKE ANY SELF-RESPECTING PERSON!

 **idiot:** lmao he even put in the little dots im dead

 **Is he born with it or is it just Maybelline:** good

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** He means dead of laughter.

 **Is he born with it or is it just Maybelline** has changed their name to **This blonde is natural bitch**

 **idiot:** If you say so *examines nails*

 **horsey girl:** y’all have actual NAILS? you don’t just like nibble them down? you TAKE ACTUAL CARE of your nails?

 **idiot:** uhh i’m bi?? nails are what i *do*

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** Aragorn are you actually gay if you don’t do your nails at least some point in your life???

 **short king:** Hey i’m gay and i don’t do my nails!

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** okay alright then

 **idiot:** gayyyy 

**This blonde is natural bitch:** Yes I am a homosexual glad you noticed 

**If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** wait everyone whats yalls sexyalities

 **Baggies:** It’s spelled sexualities, Merry

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** No stupid they’re sexyalities because they’re sexy

 **idiot:** merry you’re not sexy

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** sure about that ;)

 **Scary gardener:** Please, stop.

 **Scary gardener:**...

 **Scary gardener:** Why has everyone gone offline?

 **stick:** I think you terrified them off.

 **Scary gardener:** NO COME BACK I DIDNT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN!

 **horsey girl:** sam your name is literally scary gardener

 **horsey girl:** id be terrified of that

 **stick:**... you’re not scared?

 **horsey girl:** Are you?

 **stick:** Okay, fair, I’m not. But I’d still not want to get on Sam’s bad side.

 **horsey girl:** Sam has a bad side?????

 **stick:** Doesn’t everyone?

 **Gandalf:** Can confirm that the only people on this chat with bad sides are Merry and Pippin

 **stick:** Merry and Pippin don’t have bad sides!

 **Scary gardener:** HAVE YOU EVEN MET THEM?

 **Scary gardener:** THEIR PRANKS ARE LEGENDARILY TERRIFYING!

 **stick:** Yes, but 

**Scary gardener:** JUST ASK ANYONE IN THE SHIRE

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** aww thanks sammy boy i always knew you cared

 **Scary gardener:** I have jacket potatoes to make so I’m going to go offline now.

 **Scary gardener:** Goodnight to everyone but Merry and Pippin, who I still haven’t forgiven for stealing the potatoes off Rosie AND nicking my grill pan.

 **idiot:** Harsh...

 **stick:** I need to go call Faramir so I’m going offline as well.

 **stick:** I would say it was nice talking to you but I don’t want to lie about anything so I won’t

 **horsey girl:** um okay have fun

 **idiot:** MERRY!

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** YEAH!

 **idiot:** ready to do what we decided before?

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** What was that?

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** Oh yeah let’s go!

 **horsey girl:** dont know what’s going to happen but i do know that we should probably fear for our lives


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How do I even summarise for this mess?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gay mess incoming

**Chat**

**idiot:** This might be a stupid question

 **stick:** Your name is literally idiot, but go on

 **idiot:** but what are we calling the chat?

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** Merry and Pippin’s Kingdom!

 **Baggies:** I just woke up it’s too early for this 

**Scary gardener:** yeah! let frodo have his sleep!

 **Baggies:** thank you sam <3

 **Scary gardener:** <3

 **horsey girl:** anyone have any better ideas?

 **idiot:** ARE WE GOING TO IGNORE THE FACT THAT FRODO AND SAM LITERALLY SENT HEARTS TO EACH OTHER?!?!

 **stick:** Ugh, those question marks and exclamation marks are the most annoying thing in existence. Please use proper grammar for once — either one question mark, one exclamation mark, or one of both. 

**Baggies:** Agreed.

 **idiot:** eXCUSE ME FRODO YOU DIDNT USE A CAPITAL LETTER TO START YOUR SENTENCE

 **Baggies:** I was too tired. 

**stick:** That is a valid excuse.

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** it’s 6 am on a Sunday why are you up 

**stick:** Why are you up?

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** why do you think im going to go prank the sackville bagginses

 **Baggies:** dad says ‘good, do your worst.’

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** i’ve known your dad and... i didn’t think he’d be the type of person to say that 

**Baggies:** then you’ve clearly never seen him around the sackville bagginses

 **Baggies:** and clearly never MET them 

**Baggies:** they ruin even the best of my writing time

 **short king:** wait frodo you write? what do you write?

 **Baggies:** well currently i’m writing this really long fantasy series called the lord of the rings

 **Baggies:** sam has read it

 **Scary gardener:** yes i have and i think it’s very good! you should be proud!

 **Baggies:** aw sam you shouldn’t have im blushing! 

**stick:** I think I can excuse the lack of proper grammar here. 

**This blonde is natural bitch:** MERRY! PIPPIN!

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** Oh, what could it be?

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** WHAT DID YOU PUT IN MY SHAMPOO? 

**If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** oh just a little bit of black paint

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** A LITTLE BIT?!

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** MY HAIR HAS GONE COMPLETELY BLACK! 

**idiot:** now now don’t worry it should wash out in a couple of days

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** it SHOULD?

 **Scary gardener:** i asked rosie to lend me her bleach if you want to use it maybe...

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** yes drop it off at my door im too embarrassed to show my face outside 

**Scary gardener:** okay! im leaving now

 **Baggies:** see you later sam ill get back to my writing for now

 **short king:** you’re staying together?

 **Baggies:** yeah, with my uncle!

 **idiot:** interesting

 **idiot:** wait what r we going to name the chat actually 

**short king:** let’s call it the fellowship

 **short king** changed the name of the chat to **The Fellowship**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopefully this was a bit of a distraction from the current, even-messier-than-these-guys state of the world at the moment and gave you a good laugh


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More shenanigans!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> speak friend and enter the fellowship’s group chat. it has 1 brain cell and it’s juggled between gimli, boromir and Frodo.

**The Fellowship**

**horsey girl:** hey does anyone have the work i missed the lesson

 **Baggies:** why did you miss the lesson? i thought only merry and pippin skipped school

 **idiot:** rude but true

 **horsey girl:** had to go stare at swords for a bit

 **stick:** It’s true, I was there. He stared at swords.

 **horsey girl:** it’s called philosophising

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** big words but idk what they mean

 **short king:** philosophy is the study of the world and human nature and ruminating on great unanswerable questions 

**This blonde is natural bitch:** philosophy is staring at things and doing nothing

 **short king:** aye that too

 **horsey girl:** okay guys but seriously what is the work

 **stick:** Why are you asking me? You dragged me along to stare at swords and now you ask me for the work? How many places do you think I can be in at one time?

 **Baggies:** um gandalf i know I’m going to regret asking but... how many places can you actually be in at one given time

 **Gandalf:** many my young friend

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** wait he has a normal name that won’t do

 **Gandalf:** you shall not change my name brandybuck

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** try and stop me

 **Gandalf:** I’ll tell Treebeard that you own wooden objects

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** HELL NO i just got into his good books as well

 **Gandalf:** then don’t change my name. 

**horsey girl:** wait gandalf please tell me what the heck the work is 

**Gandalf:**

.: This is an automated message:.

[I’m sorry, there appears to have been an attack by a Balrog. Please try again later.]

[Sincerely, Gandalf.]

.:This is an automated message:.

 **idiot:** i always knew he was funky but what the fuck

 **Gandalf** has left the chat **“The Fellowship”**

 **horsey girl:** ok since he’s gone who is the admin

 **idiot:** goddammit it’s aragorn 

**horsey girl:** :)

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** pip... i’m feeling threatened

 **idiot:** what are you going to do hide behind me? no thanks

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** aww pip but ur so strong and manly! ik ur gonna protect me from everything ;)

 **horsey girl** has muted **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too** for 5 hours

 **stick:** Why did Gandalf never use this power?

 **horsey girl:** ill mute everyone unless you promise that youll give me the work!

 **stick:** I am exempt from the muting, naturally, given that you took me along with you?

 **horsey girl:** ofc :)

 **horsey girl:** also thx fr coming

 **stick:** I don’t know any of that, but I will assume it is a gesture of thanks. You are very welcome.

 **horsey girl:** jdnsjvksk

 **stick:** What? I do not understand that.

 **horsey girl:** no worries

 **idiot:** i bet Aragorn is secretly like ‘oh thank god he didn’t pick up on my gay panic’ lmao

 **idiot:** it’s so obviousssss

 **short king:** what would you know about gay panic?

 **idiot:** um...

 **idiot** has muted themself

 **horsey girl:** THE WORK. PLEASE

 **Scary gardener:** oh my goodness im sorry that im so late can you ever forgive me

**Scary gardener:**

[IMAGE_2572.PNG]

[IMAGE_2573.PNG]

[IMAGE_2574.PNG]

 **horsey girl:** not to worry Sam thank you 

**horsey girl:** now all of yalls except for boromir sam and frofo can stfu so i can work

 **horsey girl** has muted **This blonde is natural bitch** and **idiot**

 **horsey girl:** gim can also stay 

**short king:** thank you but i must pay a visit to my uncle soon so i should go off the chat, although it is very enjoyable to read!

 **Baggies:** merry and pippin are SCREWED 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh oops this has also turned out to be a merry/pippin fic as well


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Umm... how do i summarise for this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i posted this past midnight i have even worse sleeping habits than these guys

**The Fellowship**

**horsey girl:** i have a problem

 **stick:** what now 

**horsey girl:** i don’t know how to write this essay heeeelp 

**stick: @Baggies** because he is the writer in this chat

 **Baggies:** ITS 3AM WHY ARE YOU WRITING AN ESSAY NOW

 **horsey girl:** i could ask you why you are up but i don’t think that would be very conducive to getting my essay done

 **idiot:** aragorn your life decisions are honestly questionable 

**Baggies:** see even pippin has doubts!

 **Baggies:** what’s the essay on and how much do you need to copy off me

 **horsey girl:** so it’s on the mythology of dragons

 **horsey girl:** which i know nothing about

 **horsey girl:** and all i have written so far is

 **horsey girl:** "The mythology of dragons is"

 **idiot:** there is wild applause for aragorn’s pulitzer prize winning novel

 **horsey girl:** I CANT WRITE ESSAYS OKAY

 **horsey girl:** THEY JUST WONT WRITE THEMSELVES

 **Baggies:** please tell me that you’ve done some research

 **horsey girl:** i’ve been at a riding competition for most of the day

 **horsey girl:** how well do you think i can do research while on horseback?

 **stick:** How did the competition go?

 **horsey girl:** i came second place 

**horsey girl:** this girl called eowwen i think beat me to first

 **horsey girl:** she was really good actually

 **idiot:** she sounds cool

 **idiot:** it’s not often that aragorn starts spouting praise for someone out of nowhere

 **horsey girl:** excuse me she had the best transitions of everyone in the competition!

 **horsey girl:** if only you lot could see horses like i do...

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** yes yes we know you see them like you see boromir la di lah

 **stick:** What’s that supposed to mean?

 **horsey girl:** merry you

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** don’t worry arry he doesn’t understand 

**horsey girl:** still, screw you

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** gladly ;)

 **horsey girl:** im too tired for this shit

 **Baggies:** i thought you never slept

 **Baggies:** you’re always awake

 **horsey girl:** someone introduce frodo to the concept of saying you’re tired to escape something 

**horsey girl:** please this is all my ways of getting out of things we’re talking about

 **idiot:** no xxx

 **Scary gardener:** if i had a dollar for every time i woke up at an obscene hour and looked at my phone and saw that this chat was texting i would be rich

 **stick:** How rich, exactly?

 **horsey girl:** someone plz tell boromir that not everything is economics because i cba 

**Baggies:** you’re only allowed to not do that if you’re writing an essay

 **horsey girl:** frodo im begging u please send me ur already finished essay

 **Baggies:** I HAVE TO WRITE THE CONCLUSION FIRST

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** wait u wrote an entire fucking essay in the middle of the night???

 **Baggies:** who do you think i am? i do all the work in group projects, of course i do all the work for this chat too because this is basically the world’s worst group projects

 **horsey girl:** u know what would yalls mind if i added a new member?

 **idiot:** why not

 **stick:** I look forward to meeting the new person!

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** it’s 3:13 am but yeah

 **horsey girl:** okey imma add my ex

 **horsey girl** has added **Arwen Undomiel** to the chat **The Fellowship**

 **Scary gardener:** oh would you look at that one person in this group now actually SLEEPS

 **short king:** say goodnight fellowship 

**horsey girl:** frodo sent me the essay so ok gim 

**stick:** I will sleep. 

**Scary gardener:** frodo ill make sure you get to bed

 **short king:** good job Samwise 

**short king:** now GOODNIGHT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this entire chapter is just me telling myself to go to sleep


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Fellowship gains several new members.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> literally nobody seems to be reading it but i think I’m funny so this will keep going

**rohan peeps**

**gf:** how do you deal with being added into a groupchat by ur ex help needed

 **far to go:** u could add us and we could help

 **local himbo:** YEAH

 **kickass sweetheart:** why not

 **gf:** im just going to ask them then

**The Fellowship**

**Arwen Undomiel:** would you mind if i added some of my friends to this chat?

 **idiot:** SHE SPEAKS!

 **horsey girl:** not at all you can add them 

**stick:** More members would be nice. 

**If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** you mean members... like the...

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** like the what merry

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** um

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** LIKE THE WHAT, MERRY

 **short king:** legolas please stop torturing pippin

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** i love you gim but no <3

 **Arwen Undomiel** has added **Faramir, Éowyn** and **Éomer** to the chat **“The Fellowship”**

 **stick:** Faramir? How did you get here?

 **Faramir:** uh

 **Éomer:** WE ARE DATING

 **Faramir:** we are

 **Faramir:** whose stick

 **idiot:** whose what?

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** yes, whose what?

 **horsey girl:** i am too fucking stoned for this

 **Arwen Undomiel:** you smoke?

 **horsey girl:** gandalf got me into it ok

 **horsey girl:** it’s relaxing 

**Arwen Undomiel:** i will take your word for it

 **stick:** Apologies for any confusion. This is Boromir. 

**Faramir:** fffffUCK

 **Éowyn:** u better not have spontaneously combusted i need ur chem notes

 **Arwen Undomiel:** i can see him he is very red and is not looking at his phone

 **short king:** not to be rude but who are you?

 **horsey girl:** ah yes the awkward introductions 

**horsey girl:** always my favourite part

 **Éomer:** IM EOMER I LIKE SPORT AND IM STUDYING SPORTS SCIENSE

 **Éowyn:** eomer i thought i told u to disable caps lock on ur phone

 **Éomer:** WHATS CAPS LOCK

 **idiot:** oh look another himbo to add to the collection. number 2846291c.

 **Arwen Undomiel:** who is in the collection

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** lmao u think we’d tell u that

 **Arwen Undomiel:** i need to know which ones i can expect to have a conversation that’s not about sport or horses with

 **Éomer:** HORSES ARE LOVE

 **Éowyn:** HORSES ARE LIFE

 **horsey girl:** *high fives you both*

 **Éomer:** I DONT KNOW WHO YOU ARE BUT YOUR NAME SAYS HORSEY GIRL SO I THINK YOU ARE GOOD

 **horsey girl:** see Arwen there’s nothing wrong with himbos

 **Éomer:** WHATS A HIMBO

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** ur just saying that bc ur crush is 1

 **horsey girl:** i am once again asking for you to stfu

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** no <3

 **Arwen Undomiel:** What the actual duck is going on here

 **idiot:** haha duck 

**If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** duck

 **Arwen Undomiel:** Rick you both

 **Arwen Undomiel:** FUCK I MEANT FUCK

 **idiot:** you think you can rickroll me? bitch i know the URL of the youtube video by heart, the exact pixels of the QR code that leads to the video and my adblockers are always disabled so i get an ad for protection before i get rickrolled. your petty efforts have nothing on me.

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** really???

 **stick:** Please, save me from this torment.

 **Arwen Undomiel:** #suffering

 **stick:** I must know. What exactly is a... ‘rickroll’?

 **idiot:** im gonna do it

 **horsey girl:** don’t you fucking dare

 **idiot:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ

 **idiot:** ur welcome <3

 **Éowyn** has changed their name to **Horses**

 **Éomer:** HOW DO YOU DO THAT I WANT TO BE CALLED HORSES TOO!!!

 **Faramir:** im coming over

 **Horses:** //should i tell him that arwen told me

 **Arwen Undomiel:** i can’t believe my gf is the female version of a himbo 

**Baggies:** A her-bo, if you will.

 **Arwen Undomiel:** iT FITS

 **Arwen Undomiel:** eowyn dearest how are your herbs doing

 **Horses:** Shit I forgot to water them!!!! tysm darling!! going to go guys i have to see to my herbs!!!!!!!!

 **stick:** Those exclamation marks hurt my eyes.

 **horsey girl:** _@Arwen Undomiel_ how do you have a relationship and i don’t????

 **Arwen Undomiel:** umm because i actually shower?

 **horsey girl:** showers are for the weak

 **Arwen Undomiel:** please aragorn im BEGGING you. wASH YOURSELF. pLEASE. i’m not even near you and i know you stink like rotted flesh.

 **stick:** That is very true, even though it was delivered with improper capitalisation. Please, for the love of all things holy, take a shower.

 **horsey girl:** fucking fiiiine

 **horsey girl:** i will remember your offences though arwen. and i will find a way to get back at you.

 **Arwen Undomiel:** die mad hoe xx

 **stick:** I’m sorry, I’m not quite sure why you are referring to Aragorn as a gardening implement. Further explanation, please?

 **Arwen Undomiel:** listen i am so freaking tired and i just want to nap on eowyns shoulder but she’s away caring for her plants and I Am Exhausted. please kindly spend an hour on urban dictionary and educate yourself as i cba

 **stick:** Hello? Was I offensive in any way?

 **Arwen Undomiel:** *sighs*

 **Arwen Undomiel:** no please shut up

 **stick:** That is good to hear, I shall be going offline presently.

 **idiot:** *eyes emoji*

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** *eyes emoji* *eyes emoji*

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** wait what are we eyes emoji-ing at

 **idiot:** you made me forget it. damn you.

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** well damn you too!

 **Arwen Undomiel:** please i just want to cuddle with my gf is that too much to ask

 **Baggies:** apparently, yes.

 **Éomer:** hello everyoone i have learned how to use this techonlogicaligy! this is very exiting!

 **idiot:** fucking finally

 **idiot:** wait he has a normal name this wont do

 **idiot** has changed **Éomer** ’s name to **Horse Himbo**

 **idiot** has changed **Arwen Undomiel** ’s name to **I am soft for my gf but if you cross me You Will Die**

 **idiot** has changed **Faramir** ’s name to **The Short Stick**

 **I am soft for my gf but if you cross me You Will Die:**... accurate

 **Horse Himbo:** i Don’t know what himbo means But it has Horse in it so I like it :)))) :)))) :)))))

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** ngl those happy faces are making me slightly scared for my life

 **Horse Himbo:** That is Sad :((( :(((( :(((((!! Whatcan I Do???? *thinking face* *thinking face*

 **I am soft for my gf but if you cross me You Will Die:** im muting notifs *peace sign*

 **I am soft for my gf but if you cross me You Will Die:** _@Horses_ get back to meeeee

 **Horses:** of Course, my lady 

**I am soft for my gf but if you cross me You Will Die:** thank fucking god

 **I am soft for my gf but if you cross me You Will Die:** love yall except for the annoyances who know who they are

 **idiot:** wow i am literally feeling So Loved rn

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** oh shut the fuck up we all know she wasn’t refereeing to you

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** REFEREING

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** REFERRING

 **short king:** autocorrect sucks amirite

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** gim is honestly so down with the kids it’s not even funny

 **short king:** oh you’re not kids you’re just people who happen to be the same height as me

 **Scary gardener:** i hope that’s not an insult Mister Gimli!!!

 **short king:** not to you, Sam, nor your bf. on the other hand though...

 **idiot:** I am Short and Proud of It!!!

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** haha shorty

 **idiot:** What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Shire, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Mordor, and I have over 300 confirmed Orc kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire Fellowship armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on Middle-Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across Middle-Earth and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Shire Pramk Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo.

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** I swear to God I’ll ask the birds to shit on your head and on your car and on your food for the rest of your life. You’ll have crap haunting your pathways forever, you ducking little bitch. You will never fucking escape. It will be by your side until your dying breath and you will have absolutely NO way of getting rid of it. The crap will become so ubiquitous that it will haunt your dreams, even in your DREAMS the birds will be crapping all over your head and your miserable little home. Yeah you might know seven hundred different ways to kill me but *I* have the power to make your life a LIVING HELL. There will be NOTHING that can stop the insidious slither of my RAGE as I release it through one bird shit at a time. It will wear down your defences little bit by little bit and slowly take over your life until there is NOTHING left of the pathetic excuse that you call a life and it’s all BIRD. FUCKING. SHIT. Not even the quality crap, either. You don’t deserve even the smallest excuse of a good thing, not when you have threatened me and my dignity. As you have threatened ME, I think it just and fair that I should give you exactly what you deserve for that, which is BIRD FUCKING SHIT. Infinite fucking bird crap, piling up until the day you die and even afterwards, burying your corpse under a mountain of stinking bird crap. Check and mate, bitch.

 **Faramir:** WHICH ONE OF THESE IS A COPYPASTA I CAN’T TELL

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** W H A T I S T H I S F U C K E R Y ? ? ? ? ?

 **idiot:** SECOND COPYPASTA

 **horsey girl:** THIS IS A FUCKING EMERGENCY

 **horsey girl** has muted the chat **“The Fellowship”** for 4 HOURS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i would die for comments and kudos


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gandalf gets added back, this time with a horse in tow: it makes just the disaster you thought it’d make.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of recreational drug usage in this chapter, don’t do drugs yall

* * *

**Gandalf** has added themself to the chat **“The Fellowship”**

 **Gandalf** has changed their name to **Gandalf the White**

 **Gandalf the White:** Hello, everyone. I have returned.

 **idiot:** S- s- s- second gandalf??????

 **Gandalf the White:** It is indeed I, Pippin Took. 

**I am soft for my gf but if you cross me You Will Die:** *with feeling* what the _fuck_

 **horsey girl:** me neither

 **Gandalf the White:** I have obtained a fine new horse. Do you wish to see him?

 **Horse Himbo:** YEAS

 **Horses:** YES PLEASE

 **horsey girl:** yea

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** Yeast

 **the short stick:** *sighs heavily*

 **Scary gardener:** who’s talking about yeast and can i have it

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** it’s my yeast now! you can’t have it!!

 **Scary gardener:** PLEASE I NEED IT

 **Horse Himbo:** I DONT KNOW WHAT YEAST IS BUT I HEARD THERE WAS A HORSE

 **Horse Himbo:** AND I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THE HORSE

 **I am soft for my gf but if you cross me You Will Die:** please for the love of god give him the horse

 **Horses:** and meeeeeee

 **Baggies:** gdi why do yall love horses so much

 **Baggies:** can’t we focus on the more important things

 **Baggies:** like getting my man sam his yeast

 **stick:** I will go obtain the “yeast” from Merry.

 **idiot:** good luck

 **idiot:** hey merry im just pulling up to ur house

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** pippin im pulling up to ur place

 **idiot:** where are you the house is empty

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** why the fuck are you not coming out? pippin??????

 **I am soft for my gf but if you cross me You Will Die:** im watching a train wreck and there are horses circling obliviously around the wreckage

 **short stick:** mood

 **stick:** What does ‘mood’ mean, may I enquire?

 **I am soft for my gf but if you cross me You Will Die:** When your friend says something relatable and to you, it explains life

 **Baggies:** that was a good definition actually 

**I am soft for my gf but if you cross me You Will Die:** thanks i got it from urban dictionary

 **Baggies:** that explains it

 **stick:** Pippin, why is your car parked outside Meriadoc’s house? And why are you wandering around outside looking rather confused?

 **horsey girl:** haaaaa y’all are so oblivious oh my god

 **stick:** Excuse me, I am very intelligent!

 **idiot:** no ur not <3

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** big words for someone whose screen name is idiot

 **idiot:** big words from someone who dyes their hair

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** fuck u 

**idiot:** stfu bottom

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** legolas found dead in miami more at 10

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** still very much alive??????

 **short king:** legolas dear it’s a meme

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** oh that explains it

 **idiot:** haha boomer

 **short king:** oh definitely

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** ive been betrayed

 **Scary gardener:** pippin... how?????

 **idiot:** how what????

 **stick:** Looking at those question marks is torture for my eyes. 

**Scary gardener:** how are you texting driving and evading boromir at the same time?????

 **idiot:** don’t try this at home kids but weed

 **Gandalf the White:** Weed is very powerful. I smoke loads daily and it gives me power

 **I am soft for my gf but if you cross me You Will Die:** he genuinely does yall 

**idiot:** you haven’t seen the full power of the weed yet

 **Scary gardener:** i think I’m seeing it happen right in front of me

 **Scary gardener:** oh shit

 **Scary gardener:** MERRY I SEE YOU WITH MY YEAST!!!!

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** im coming for revenge

 **idiot:** fuck

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** fuucccckkkkk

 **idiot:** FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** *evil smile and chuckle*

 **Horse Himbo:** WHERE”S THE HORSE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pray for my fingers 😔


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The yeast undergoes an adventure, and four of the gang go on dates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heads up!!! you might wanna go read the end notes midway through this chapter

**The Fellowship**

**Horses:** whats alll rhis about?

 **horsey girl:** honestly i don’t even understand

 **horsey girl:** gandalf said he had a new horse so i wanted to admire it

 **Scary gardener:** holy shit you guys 

**Scary gardener:** [VIDEO_17: a video of Merry and Pippin, taken through a window, leaping out of a car and into a garden, where they are scaling the hedges. The camera zooms in and Merry, holding up the yeast, can be seen to do a dance.]

 **Scary gardener:** ITS MY YEAST

 **horsey girl:** wHAT ELSE ARE THEY CAPABLE OF

 **Baggies:** i don’t think you want to know

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** heeeelllpppp

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** legolas has a mf bow and arrow and is shooting at me!!!!!

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** IM AIMING FOR THE YEAST!!!! STOP WIGGLING!!!!

 **I am soft for my gf but if you cross me You Will Die:** fuck u stop interrupting me n eowyns coffee date

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** IM IN DANGER HERE

 **Gandalf** has changed **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too** ’s name to **In Danger Here**

 **short king:** that was supreme trolling from Gandalf there

 **idiot:** ikr

 **In Danger Here:** PIP HELP ME OUT HERE

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** YOU JUST NEED TO STOP SQUIRMMING!!!!

 **stick:** I find myself astonished by the fact that Meriadoc is still texting while Legolas attempts to use arrows to shoot the yeast from his hands.

 **In Danger Here:** its the magical power of hobbit weed

 **In Danger Here:** boz could you please tell legolass to stop shooting at me

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** JUST GIVE ME THE YEAST!!!

 **stick:** While I would surely help, if I were able to, I am currently drinking coffee with Aragorn, and I fear your I cannot get there fast enough.

 **idiot:** *spits out cheeto crumbs* you are currently doing WHAT?????

 **stick:** Was I not clear enough in my first message? I am currently drinking coffee with Aragorn.

**Aramir Will Rise!!!**

**little bro:** ITS HAPPENING EVERYONE ISNT IT

 **short king:** IT IS I THINK

 **gay potato farmer:** AAAAAAAHHHHH

 **not baby but is baby:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

 **strawberry blonde:** what are we aaaahing about?

 **gay potato farmer:** READ THE CHAT THEY R ON A DAAAATE!!

 **strawberry blonde:** oh yeah i know about that

 **little bro:** how???? r u psychic??? 

**strawberry blonde:** ha no

 **strawberry blonde:** we’re just at the same coffee place

 **not baby but is baby:** say sike right now????

 **strawberry blonde:** hang on arwen’s asking for which of the cakes i want

 **little bro:** TELL HER TO MAKE SURE THEY R NOT DOInG ANYTHINNG INAPPROPRIATE

 **little bro:** THAS MY OLDER BROTHER WE’RE TALKING ABT

 **strawberry blonde:** they look happy

 **a secret softy:** y’all stop distracting eowyn from our date 

**gay potato farmer:** ok

 **little bro:** tell me how they got on when ur back!!

 **strawberry blonde:** ok, we’re just going to finish the food n then we’re going to go to the garden store

 **gay potato farmer:** if you see any plants that you think id like then plz can you get them??

 **strawberry blonde:** ofc!! see you all later

**The Fellowship**

**stick:** Where has everyone gone?

 **In Danger Here:** well im on a hedge so i cant speak for anyone else 

**idiot:** oh fuck legolas hit the yeast

 **This blonde is natural bitch:** he stopped moving!! finally!!!

**Aramir Will Rise!!!**

**sauron held up my trans flag when i went to the black gate!:** should have assumed u’d all be here after that bombshell

 **little bro:** ikr

 **sauron held up my trans flag when i went to the black gate!:** now i cant annoy aragorn any more *weeping face*

 **short king:** nah you can always annoy him

 **short king:** just remind him that he wrote ‘the mythology of dragons is’ to start an essay off 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -names in the ‘aramir will rise’ groupchat:  
>  **little bro** \- faramir  
>  **short king** \- that’s gimli again  
>  **gay potato farmer** \- sam  
>  **not baby but is baby** \- frodo   
> **strawberry blonde** \- eowyn  
>  **a secret softy** \- arwen 
> 
> AND 
> 
> **sauron held up my trans flag when i went to the black gate!** \- merry


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IM BACK ON MY BULLSHIT!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like this will just run on and on and on until i die 
> 
> warning?: mentions of denethor ii’s shitty parenting

**The Fellowship**

**stick:** Where is everyone gone? 

**Baggies:** we’re @ rosie’s at the minute

 **Baggies:** nd she’s introducing us all to her gf

 **idiot:** who just happens to be my ex apparently

 **idiot:** can a guy catch a break

 **In Danger Here:** nope!!!

 **Horses:** could u add them? more girls in the chat might be nice 

**I am soft for my gf but if you cross me You Will Die:** yeah

 **I am soft for my gf but if you cross me You Will Die:** yall are great but sometimes u make my head hurt 

**short king:** do you need some water

 **Horses:** arwen!! both you and plants rely on water to function!! i cannot be there to remind you all the time!!

 **I am soft for my gf but if you cross me You Will Die:** can’t believe i just got compared to a plant

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** drag of the century

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** jk kinda cute

 **I am soft for my gf but if you cross me You Will Die:** explain???

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** okay

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** so

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** she loves u :D

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** nd she loves her plants 

**If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** so you’re like

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** Being Loved

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** idk

 **Horses:** actually um i don’t think i want to use she/her pronouns quite as much??

 **Horses:** someone used them for me the other day and i kinda liked it

 **I am soft for my gf but if you cross me You Will Die:** this is my gf and they are wonderful <33333

 **Horses** : aaaahhhh <3333333

 **horsey girl:** okay, is she/they fine to use for you

 **Horses:** yeah sure

 **idiot:** um so since we’re doing this

 **idiot:** can u use chaos/chaor/chaoself for me 

**short stick:** did u

 **short stick:** did u just invent ur own pronouns??

 **short stick:** that’s so cool omg

 **idiot:** IK

 **idiot:** but don’t let ur bf see

 **idiot:** he’ll just do horse/horser/horself or something like that lmaooooo

 **short stick:** rude but tbh accurate

 **short stick:** also stop dragging horses

 **short stick:** they r literally my therapists

 **Baggies:** what happened?? r u ok???

 **short stick:** yeah

 **short stick:** it’s just

 **Horse Himbo:** love you can say it it’s okay

 **short stick:** my dad was p emotionally abusive when i was growing up

 **stick:** Our father really could not parent. And yes, I know he lost his wife, but that doesn’t excuse him from anything he did to myself or Faramir. 

**stick:** I’m currently going to therapy, and I advise that you book some sessions, Faramir. It has been exceedingly helpful. 

**short stick:** i think i will

 **Baggies:** i had no idea this happened, ily (platonically)!

 **idiot:** parents suck, i hope ur better now

 **short stick:** moving away helped a lot actually so yeah

 **Horses:** i’m so sorry, shitty parents are horrible and i know from experience. i’m here if u ever need to talk

 **I am soft for my gf but if you cross me You Will Die:** me as well, i don’t often talk about it but I’m here

 **short stick:** thank you all so much!!

 **If I’m an idiot you’re an idiot too:** this is so lovely and all but it feels so fucking weird seeing names like “short stick” talking honestly about therapy and trauma and that sort of stuff

 **Horses:** true

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a reminder to myself to fuckin. write all these names down. my fingers are tired
> 
> also i have literally no idea where the Legolas vs. Merry and Pippin thing came from
> 
> & rosie’s gf is diamond took (in canon, pippin’s wife) jsyk
> 
> did i make this a modern au just to get faramir & boromir to go to therapy?? you will never know 
> 
> (actually everyone needs therapy)

**Author's Note:**

> did you hate it? did you enjoy it? did you... LAUGH?! are you concerned for my friendship group?


End file.
